September 4, 2008 - The Most Unfortunate Names That Will Cause You to Say “What the Hell?

Arguably, parents only have the best intentions when naming their children. Well, at least those were in the good old days when you can call your children home in a voice loud enough to wake the dead and your neighbor’s dog. In those days, you have to practice shouting from the backdoor the name of your future child and see how that fits with the rest of the neighborhood.  Try calling for Sex Fruit against Jim and you will settle for the latter. 

Still, some parents never learn but instead inflict undue pain on their children. They have the mistaken belief that unique names amount to unique personalities, never realizing until it is too late that only unstinting mortification comes with the name. 

Celebrity Names Gone Wrong

Celebrities seem to believe that they have every right to name their children within the bounds of artistic license.  When you come to think of it, sadistic license is more like it. 

Fifi Trixibell, daughter of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates.  Gee, yikes.  For the ordinary person like you and me, these two words aptly sum it up.  Gee, why did you name your child after a dog?  Yikes, you chose a name that Michael Jackson would have used what with his obsession with Peter Pan and Neverland!
Sage Moonblood, son of Sylvester Stallone.  Is this homage to the first Rambo movie?  An herb-inspired name?  No wonder Sage Moonblood now only appears in exploitation films since the opening credits alone would have caused incredulity in serious moviegoers!

Names That Go Bong in the Night

When the parents of these children named them, they must have been in the midst of paroxysms of ecstasy or agony or both.  Either that or they have had their heads knocked right off their necks during the night.

Tallulah Does the Hula from Hawaii, who fortunately had the law on her side.  Why punish your child with bad rhymes?
Sex Fruit, who must have hated his name so much that John Doe would have been exceedingly preferable. 

Just imagine if you collect personalized Zippos like military Zippos lighters and even the inevitable but interestingly-designed cheap Zippos lighter and you have a name like one of these!  (All items of which you can get, by the way, by clicking on the link)

It must take a hell of a lot of explaining to do!  Better go by the initials, eh?  Unless, your initials are something even more embarrassing.