An Idol Mind

Well, That Was Anticlimactic, Wasn't It?

It's really quite troubling that the most exciting thing about American Idol's hour-long Wednesday results show was the hot-mess return of one of its most gifted alumna ever. Sporting flamingo hair, some disturbing skin-tight number and a weird gospel warble voice, Fantasia Barrino is right now the talk of the town - and how can she not be? It's not like anything else terribly riveting happened last night. After 53 minutes of waiting and wondering - would the unexpected momentum of Syesha "Rosa Parks" Mercado somehow carry over and allow her to pull off the greatest upset in recent Idol memory? - with a deflated "Oh," the nation's collective breath un-bated. Some of us were likely saddened, others disgusted, and still others just plain pissed off at the realization that our investment in the past eight weeks of this season, our constant mental refusal to believe that this year's finale was a foregone conclusion, had been pretty much all for naught. I don't know about you, but I feel like I wasted a whole lot of energy trying to make myself believe this thing could go any number of ways other than the way it inevitably did. Why did I bother? Not sure, since I think everyone knew that this was the way it was going to be - even if Syesha, bless her soul, did not.

We'd all known that Kristy, our little cowgirl who could(n't), was never long for this world - so why did we kind of keep rooting for her, even after she'd butchered "Eight Days A Week" in notorious fashion? We'd long ago accepted that Carly was a consummate professional who was doomed to be a casualty of typical Idol voting madness - so why did we become so bothered at her ouster, regardless of how preposterously early it came? Because that's the magic, the horror, and the painful commercialism of American Idol. And yes I am a teensy bit embittered. Idol ropes you in, it makes you kind of care about its contestants (though it was harder this season, as they were all so bland), and it feigns equity in everybody's promotion - but in the end, it usually has its way with who its stars are. And honestly, could the Double David Finale have been any more producer-pimped these past few weeks? I mean, come on, Idol. This sh!t was just shameless.

The pimping was as obvious and recurring as one of Little David's lyrical miscues. From the moment Randy started yapping about this being "the year of the boys," it was evident that none of the suits wanted another Big-Voiced But Occasionally Shrill Girl vs. Marginally Talented Guy finale, a la Jordin Sparks vs. Blake Lewis, or Katharine McPhee vs. Taylor Hicks. Every official group photo I ever saw on AmericanIdol.com had either Cookie's or Archie's face plastered smack-dab in the middle (hey, this blog's header is an example), and the other one would be positioned, for sure, right beside him. Every results show had the requisite shot of Rocker David patting Little David on the shoulder, both of them blowing fake sighs of relief as they strolled to the Couches of Safety together. And in case you didn't notice, on Tuesday's night of performances, Mr. Cook got a bombastic Aerosmith ballad and Mr. Archuleta was given some vanilla shlock he could comfortably smack runs all over. What did Syesha get from the oh-so-partisan producers? A hand-wrapped grenade on any chance she had to possibly advance - "Hit Me Up," a single from the Happy Feet soundtrack that is the new jingle for a Wheat Thins commercial. (Seriously. I freaking kid you not.) Many are saying this is the most uninspiring season of Idol to date, and with like a week left in it, I would have to agree. This year was so predictable and unfun. ...Don't you think?

Anywho, to switch gears for a second, tonight Ryan Seacrest made a guest appearance on Larry King Live. To anyone who didn't see it, I don't think I would recommend trying to catch a re-airing sometime tomorrow unless you care to a point of unhealthiness about Ryan's sleeping patterns, various entertainment projects and rather sad (though extremely heterosexual, as he will constantly remind you) love life. But Ryan did have a few interesting moments. Apparently, his "hobby and passion" is food and wine, and if he hadn't gotten into broadcasting he would have gone to chef school. Makes sense, I guess, considering that in addition to hosting an L.A. radio show, being an editor for E! and producing "Keeping Up With The Kardashians," the guy owns six restaurants. Ryan also said he doesn't mind being the butt of jokes by late-night hosts like Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien, reasoning that everybody in the entertainment industry "plays a part." And there was something else thrown in there about how Ryan loves live shows because he eats up the pressure of knowing that a mistake will be seen instantly by the whole world. So then he of course had to go on and try to make sense out of the infamous judging fiasco that has since become known as Paulagate. I know, I know - dude's a sicko. (Which is further evidenced by a later conversation with Larry in which he rather futilely attempted to make the guy's great-great-grandfather brain understand text lingo like "lol" and "omg.")

The best part of the broadcast was when Ryan tried to answer the call-in questions. People asked him everything from how he thought the show could be best improved, to if his and Simon's banter is staged, to which Idol he feels will be the most relevant in 20 years. According to our favorite bug-eyed host, Carrie Underwood is the person we'll still be talking about during American Idol season 27, and none of the tired exchanges between him and Cowell are pre-planned (which is worse, because that just means they are both boring, self-absorbed douches who can't devise semi-interesting comebacks for seven seconds every week.) About how to "fix" American Idol, though, which is something everyone these days is wondering as the juggernaut's numbers dip into the high-20 millions (gaspness!) and its functional mechanics screech with every awkward product placement and group dance number - about that little problem, Ryan seemed less certain. I'm sure he's felt the weight of Idol's greatness weighing on him - hey, I feel it, and the show's not even giving me a paycheck. Gamely enough, I suppose, Ryan said things need to get more "unpredictable" on the show in order for it to continue to succeed. But if only it was that easy, Seacrest. If only. Idol's predictability is only a part of the problem. Needing to be fine-tuned just as much if not more are the minutes upon minutes (upon minutes! [upon minutes!]) of filler, the bevy of uninspired contest themes, the unceasing contestant genre-pigeonholing and the merciless viewer manipulation that is perpetrated by the producers.

...Oh, trust me, I wasn't always so suspicious when it came to American Idol. It's just something about this season that has brought it out in me. Maybe it was the Blonde Overload with which the show began this year, or the growing and obvious disinterest of the judges themselves with their routine, or the questionability of the talent pool that was touted as "Teh Best Evar!!11!!", or, to go back to this post's opening point, the ruthless, unremorseless beating into our heads of the superiority of the Golden Ones, David C. and David A. Or perhaps it's that since this is the first time I've ever blogged about the show, I've had to look at everything through a much more critical lens. Who knows? I think if David Cook wins on Wednesday I'll feel my heart un-stonify. But if that Death-Wheezing Furbie gets this year's crown - well, I just might have a conniption and swear off all things Idol for awhile to come. You know, just to get my mind right again. I can't be the only one who sees Little David as basically Jordin Sparks version 2.0, can I? This new trend of barely legal belters monopolizing the pimpage and the votes doth verily disturb me.

Anyway, before Tuesday night's penultimate episode, I'm going to find out what the theme or set-up or what-have-you is for next week and do some hunting for good song choices and post those here. Last week I correctly called Syesha singing Alicia Keys - though instead of choosing a Keys song herself, she was rather uncreatively saddled with one by Randy (who then promptly threw her under the bus for it, to my recollection.) I still think Rocker David is doing himself a disservice by not tackling Coldplay, since as his (lackluster) rendition of a Switchfoot song proves, he's well aware of what bands are popular and suit his style. (To be clear, I'm not equating Coldplay with Switchfoot. No hatemail!) And my dare for someone to sing a Jordin Sparks song was just as well taken up by Little David's epic tackling of Chris Brown's "With You," which was the most hilarious and awkward thing the kid's done all season. (Have you actually seen the lyrics to this song? Oh my.) Little David's performance also spawned the most apt animal simile I've maybe ever heard in my entire life.

So. It's T-minus six days, and counting. Are you ready? Feel free to send me a line or two with your thoughts about the soon-to-be-for-the-history-books season 7 of American Idol. What else do you have to do? ...Oh, watch Fantasia's hot-mess performance on YouTube for the seventh time today, you say? Huh. Well, fine, that's understandable. But after that you should definitely drop me a line.